I “love” my jail house lawyer clients. They want to cite cases, statutes, and regulations that show how what has happened to them is illegal and that their case should be dismissed in its entirety. Very rarely, one of them has a valid point, but 99% of the time, they are completely off base. For example, I had one client quote Federal Rules of CIVIL Procedure to show that he could not be prosecuted for sexual battery. I have been taught that I am to be patient with these clients and to calmly explain to them why they are wrong. To this, I say, Bullshit. Sometimes you have to say what’s on your mind.
To illustrate, I have a client charged with sale of cocaine to an undercover cop on videotape. Silly me thinks that the keys to this case is the videotape and establishing where client was on the day in question in hopes to show that he was not sell cocaine. However, the wise and sage attorney of zero years (and zero cases) tells me that his case should be, nay, must be dismissed because the address on the warrant stating where the client lives was in error. I was floored by my client’s obtuseness. In response, I looked at him and asked him, “What fuckin’ law school did you graduate from?”